Thursday, November 23, 2006

What I Would Never Do

Iain Dale has started an infuriatingly irresistible Blog Meme - list the ten things you would never do. He has challenged a number of bloggers to respond, though hurtfully not me. Picking myself up from this insult, I shall heroically respond with my own list.
1)Shake hands with Bashar Assad. 2)Start another conversation with Harold Pinter. (See here for my reasons.) 3)Morris dancing (obviously). 4)Read the thirteen volumes of Karl Barth's Church Dogmatics. (A long story.) 5)Start a land war in Asia. 6)Buy a pair of Hush Puppies. 7) Pilates. 8)Ski. 9)Take part in a marathon dressed as a chicken/horse/duck/banana. 10)Jump and shout with wild enthusiasm when told to do so by a TV show warm-up guy. ( I have been in this situation more times than you might imagine.)
The reverse list - ten things I would always do - is somewhat harder to imagine.


  1. Harsh on the Hush Puppies that - one of my finest pr of shoes is labelled
    (mortifyingly, I admit) Hush Puppies, but they are superb - black suede
    laceups, compact and elegant in form, entirely un-Hush Puppy-like, and
    widely admired. Needless to say, no longer available - equally needless to
    say, 'won' on eBay.
    But talking of the 13 volumes of Church Dogmatics, Barth was asked by a
    woman at a party once what the message of this stonking mega-work was.
    After a sage pause, he uttered: 'I think what I was trying to say was,
    Jesus loves me, this I know, For the Bible tells me so.'

  2. a)wear a paper hat at an 'XMAS' party or a green suit; attend an office party; sing along to karaoke; eat a Cornish pastie; have any body-piercing or tatoos; read the Guardian.

  3. Not shoes again, please - they give me palpitations - every time I turn round, there's more of them (they breed with handbags you know...).

    Things you would never do ...

    We – myself, the photographer and Magic Alan, the publicist – start running. Magic and I are both talking on our phones and the snapper is grappling with his cameras. Gasping, we dive into the lobby and start spinning round to see where they might have gone. Magic figures it out. We dash up the stairs and through some double doors.


    I'm afraid this shattered some illusions.