Forecasts for 2007 (3)

As Jeremy Clarkson goes into hospital to have Richard Hammond removed from his elbow after another Top Gear stunt misfires, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad denies he ever held a Holocaust denial conference. Thomas Pynchon comes out of hiding to reveal that he ghosted all of Jeffrey Archer's novels and to announce his availability as a charity auctioneer. The Daily Mail gets so angry about everything that it eats its own head. Head-eating at once becomes a fashionable stunt at rural dinner parties, as does trying to read Pynchon. The first volume of Tony Blair's memoirs - I Was Just Too Good For You - is rushed into print in order to damage sales of the first three volumes of Gordon Brown's - The Wilderness Years I, II and III. Cherie Blair sells the Connaught Square house to an oligarch for an undisclosed sum which she describes as 'not unadjacent to lots'. Blair uses the proceeds to treat himself to the monarchy, the captaincy of the England cricket team and a Nobel Prize. Gordon Brown eats his own head.