Tuesday, April 24, 2007

April 24th, 2037

The Japanese carebots here at the Lousy Bastards retirement home for the diplomatically challenged are ruthless in their insistence on our strict adherence to the Sheryl Crow one square of toilet paper rule. It's not quite how I saw my twilight years, but it's nice to be saving the planet. The only humans we see now are very fat cleaning ladies whose mothers hit puberty at the age of nine and then gave birth while watching the Teletubbies on an enormous flat screen TV. This meant the lucky child did not have to be moved for the first three years of its life. The cleaners are always stressed after a Full English breakfast with chips, but this does not seem to trouble their artificial stomachs. Having drunk nothing but Gatorade for most of their lives, they are all now on their fifth sets of teeth. The carebots refuse to do the cleaning and are demanding equal rights with these ladies, but they tend to shut up when we show them pictures of Will Smith. All in all, taking one thing with another, I can't complain. It's not a bad place, especially now that Rummy and Phil are no longer around screaming obscenities. But I do miss the bees.


  1. Loved the little piece on Today about Korean(?) charter of robots rights. Naughty sniffed but I say you never know and soonest started, soonest mended.

    How did we ever get to this stage where toilet paper is considered acceptable way to clean the arses of our nation? Of course, it arises in part from the taboo of naughty-dirty body parts and a don't touch approach. In reality we don't clean our western bottoms but buff them with our own shit. We shudder at johnny foreigner's methods but actually he knows best.

    Boris Yeltsin - I always get him confused with Boris Johnson. Is that crazy? Oh, you haven't mentioned him - sorry to digress. Bye bye Boris.

  2. Oh, oh - the Sheryl Crow piece. Please say it's not true. Ms Crow and her "one square per visit" pals clearly do not suffer from piles - nor, indeed, can they follow the 5-a-day regime, which brings with it (in my experience) a certain, ahem, loosening of one's lower bowels.

    It strikes me that Ms Crow could make a useful contribution to lowering noise pollution and saving on the use of plastics by curtailing her career forthwith and doing something useful like knitting cars that run on biofuel.

  3. She may have been joking, peegee, hard to tell.