Tuesday, April 17, 2007
The Black Cherry Conundrum
Time for a list. This one is inspired by one of the great mysteries of the modern world - black cherry yoghurts. Who eats them? They taste disgustingly metallic and nothing like cherries of any colour. They are a mystery product, lacking purpose and customers. One only knows of their existence because supermarkets force them on us in packages of more understandable yoghurts. The list is, therefore, incomprehensible products. We should, guys, avoid cosmetics, too easy.
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A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
von Moltke?
ReplyDeleteI realise we are all not the same, but I really hate herbal tea. I think it gives off an aroma of great promise, and tastes like soggy pot pourri. I lose repect for chums when I observe great boxes of 'blackberry bracer' in their cubbords. I think it is pretentious slop! Its not tea, and it has no caffeine. It is like smoking 'herbal' cigarettes or drinking caffeine free coffee. Pure pointless.
ReplyDeleteI've always been puzzled by those large inflatable hammers one sometimes sees at events such as football matches. I don't understand how they could work. As well as being ridiculously unwieldy, surely they would be next to useless at hammering in nails which is supposedly what hammers are all about, for goodness sake! John Stuart Mill would not approve.
ReplyDeleteFruits of the forest yoghurt. Do they still make that flavour? Dreadful. Tastes like shampoo.
ReplyDeleteAlso, a bugbear of mine, is low-fat milk. Watery. Awful.
In fact, low-fat anything. As someone has pointed out, the value of food nowadays has more to do with what isn't in it than what is in it. That has to be wrong. Very wrong.
you're not having us crying over sour milk are you?
ReplyDeleteI might be up for a liquid lunch but never a liquid pudding!
my choice for incomprehensible products is man bags. I mean, what do they think pockets are for?!
Sticking to consumables:
ReplyDeleteWhite chocolate.
Strawberry cremes in selection boxes.
'Different flavours' of fruit smoothies (in fact, they all taste of banana and nothing else).
Absurdly expensive little boxes of fruit salad from supermarkets.
And the mother:
Alcohol-free beer.
You haven't come across inflatable nails, Andrew? You should be able to get them in your local software store.
ReplyDeleteneckties!
ReplyDeleteI was once given a reprimand by a boss for turning up with an open neck shirt. ''you'll never get anywhere without a tie!'', he informed me.
well, I ignored his advice often and he was right but it still doesn't make any sense. a good education and key skills vs. a strip of loose fabric for covering shirt buttons? no, sorry, still don't get it...
hey, andrew, methinks them must be West Ham matches you go to!
Celery.
ReplyDeleteIs celery a product?
ReplyDeleteEverything is a product, Bryan.
ReplyDeleteWhich brings me to...
...bottled water.
Tea-Tingle Herbal shampoo.
ReplyDeleteCoco Pops.
Anything that claim to be a ‘limited edition’ – everything is a limited edition at some level.
Advertising on subscription sports channels when we’ve already paid.
Diet cola.
'The Collected Poems of Allen Ginsberg'. I still have no idea why I bought it.
1915?
ReplyDeleteAnything, they get to damn good at growing. Carrots, for instance, hang 'round too long in a restaurant and they'll have carrots on you. And those juicer thingies are designed 'specially for carrots.
ReplyDeletePS. anyone wonder 'bout that Roman chick. Would they have needed local Vestal Virgins for a proper ceremony.
To put it another way, celery is a product in the sense that nobody would ever consider consuming it unless it were sold to them.
ReplyDeleteDreamcatchers.
The Independent.
The extra bits on DVDs.
Pet hamsters.
Always reminds me of medicine. Note how they are usually included in a pack of more preferable flavours so that you have no choice but to buy the rogue.
ReplyDeleteCheers
But surely the inflatable nail would be as useless if not more useless than the inflatable hammer. Again I'm perplexed.
ReplyDeleteAs far as additions to the list:
1. Hashish cut with diesel and microwaved. Surely this is failing to put the customer first. If you're not happy with the product you won't come again. That is unless you've little choice but to come again, in which case you will.
2. The Donald Rumsfeld Guide to Fine Wine- he hasn't a fucking clue what he's on about. "Remember to chill the white"....Idiot.
3. Lots of other things.
3.
With you, Brit, on celery. What a truly repellent plant. The food-taster guy, way back when, must have been out sick that day (wrong mushroom) and some temp gave it the thumbs up.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry for piping back in again, but when I read about the bottled water - I just had to tell you about the mother of all pointless products I saw for sale last week on North Cross Road in East Dulwich - at the farmers market type stalls. Free Range Lamb!!!
ReplyDeleteForgive me, but what is that I see skipping along on each side of the M4 each time I visit Wales? Now we must pay extra clearly, or the farmer will lock them in the barn for spite! Apparently free range is not necessarily organic, no... that is extra!
These farmers must think we southerners have entirely lost the plot.
Decorative covers for everday objects, also known as cosies. Women buy or make cosies or covers for everything. There's the Kleenex box cover. Toilet roll cosies. Toaster cosies. You name it, there's a cosy or a decorative cover for it in someone's house.
ReplyDeleteC'mon Duck, I'm sure you have one for your Lee Enfield #4 Mk 1 rifle!!
ReplyDelete1. Goldfrapp.
ReplyDelete2. Automatic dishwashers.
3. Green and yellow fruit pastilles and wine gums.
Carbon neutralising.
ReplyDelete“As someone has pointed out, the value of food nowadays has more to do with what isn't in it than what is in it”. - Great point Neil
ReplyDeleteThe machines that make the huge amounts of ice that are put in every US cold soft drink. If we rationed ice to a maximum of three pieces per drink the world's energy problem would be solved over night.
Non-stick cooking spray - ffs, what's so difficult about olive oil
ReplyDeleteTill receipts - mindlessly handed over for items that cost, say, 15p
Hair curlers - too awful to contemplate really
soduku
ReplyDeleteYes, Gordon, especially the green ones. Who likes them? Who? The yellow ones, well, I can just about live with them.
ReplyDeleteCoffee flavoured revels.
ReplyDeleteThe appreciation of artificial fruit flavours, like black cherry, is a sophisticated art that requires the taster be deprived of actual fruit for years beforehand. Thanks to my exceptionally lax parents, I occasionally still have cravings for grapes - not the fruit, but the lollipops. Actual grapes taste nothing like grape.
ReplyDeleteUseless products:
- banana boxes (http://www.lazyboneuk.com/store/pro212.html for the sceptical)
- all the crap little novelty books next to every till in every bookshop in the land
- Nicorette (I can personally vouch for this one)
- fruit beers - criminal.
The Gizmondo.
ReplyDeleteI really hope someone makes a film about the spectacular implosion of the company behind it. The 'flagship store' on Regent Street was still boarded up last time I checked.
And the green ones are the nicest, you heathens.
Yet when we put Black Cherry, Straberry and RAspberry on our shelves it is always the Black Cherry that sells first.
ReplyDeleteWho eats them the same pleople that buy prunes.
I've noticed that mixing too many fruit flavors, as in colas, tends to produce products that taste like cough syrup.
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