Saturday, February 10, 2007

Archer: The Theft and The Verdict

I can resist no longer. It is time for an update on 'Lord' Jeff. The big news is, of course, is the theft of the sculptures from his garden - it was, Susan, a naked shepherd, not a naked Jeff, with some equally naked sheep. I cannot establish whether the girl in Girl Doing a Handstand was also naked. Jeff was so traumatised by the theft that he blogged on the matter, his first post since January 9th. The commenter 'Jeff' - 'Thank God you're back, it's been so long' - is, I am afraid, me. The thief, contrary to what Sand Storm suggests, was not me. Of course, he also brings us further news of his Wonderful Life, most importantly his role in the BBC2 show The Verdict which begins tomorrow evening. I saw a long trailer for this show. It was long because, I assume, the BBC is in a state of panic, having, far too late, detected the glaringly obvious truth about The Verdict - that it reeks of a turkey with flu. A jury of celebs - well, Michael Portillo with eleven D-listers - is asked to assess a rape case. Unfortunately the case is not real and the protagonists are all actors. This made a complete nonsense of the whining of the celebs in the trailer about how difficult and meaningful it all is. Probably they have lost the ability to distinguish between 'reality'' TV and reality. Never mind, it gets Jeff out of the house.


  1. The thief, contrary to what Sand Storm suggests, was not me.

    Ah the guilty are always first to proclaim their innocence.:)

  2. I just had a glorious thought! Imagine finding the missing statues and returning them to Lord Jeffrey. O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay! One can just imagine Lord Jeffrey actually inviting the hero to stand on his door mat while he recovers a shilling from his purse as reward! I think I would just melt into a puddle.

  3. I’m surprised at you, Mr. Appleyard. Using a pseudonym to post comments on somebody’s blog is despicable!

  4. You say "Michael Portillo with eleven D-listers", which rather implies that Mr P is a C-lister or above. Please be more careful in future, Sir, or you may find yourself compelled to view the spectacle of which you write. I myself long ago deposited my television receiver, with some violence, in a builder's skip, following an episode of Pro-Celebrity Pancreas Swap featuring:

    Lionel Blair
    Eamonn Holmes
    Natasha Kaplinksy
    Ainsley Harriot
    and a canister of dry ice containing the pancreas of the late Mr Kenneth Allsop

  5. I'm always mildly surprised by what Jeffrey gets from bloggers and others. Not really understanding the situation, I ask is he really so obnoxious or snivelling or what actually is it about him?

  6. Comedy, James, pure comedy. The sheer joy of a man devoid of humour or self-awareness. The clownlike thickness of the skin, the fantasies, the egregious self-promotion,,,,

  7. What makes the Verdict even more believable is that there is amongst the jury someone who should have been excluded because of his criminal conviction. Now, I wonder who that could be?

  8. I dropped The Verdict from my agenda last night. I'm not sure about this "celebrity" business stuff. Z list, D list, C list, A list - who can tell anyway? And why should it matter?

    If this is real reality TV; it's a jury that is representative of the population as a whole. Not so here, for starters. This is representative of another "slebs'" media opportunity and nothing else.

    Why on earth do the producers think this will wash? It will, of course. Get me the big pink canister of Vanish, pronto! I need to be cleansed and redeemed, having seen the blurb...

    It's not a representative jury for starters, as previous convicts abound in this (fictional) jury.

    Bring back Crown Court in its original format and let the slebs subside into obscurity....

  9. I confess I watched The Verdict, mostly for Jeff, but partly for Portillo because I like his voice and his middle names (Denzil Xavier - now that's what middle names are for).

    I think Jeffrey Archer is a real life Ubermensch: without any discernible talent, wit, humour, intelligence, charisma, awareness or even likeability he has managed, through sheer power of will and tireless energy, to assert himself onto the national consciousness precisely one notch above the Hamiltons.

    Sadly, he will always fall short of his ultimate goal: to be a grandee.

  10. Yes, I've just been re-reading Twist in the Tale and he really is so into dinner parties and doing the financial dirty on others. Where does the Lizard King, Portillo, fit in on the continuum?

  11. It's ok; they've found them. Some swine had dumped the "works of art" down a muddy track.

    Apparently the Fragrant Lady, 61, was in residence when they were stolen...

  12. The verdict is - its painful, smug, embarrassing, vomit inducing. Watch it with a spliff - to burn out their eyes.

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