Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Bring Back the UFOs
As the author of the supreme masterpiece on the subject, I am, of course, delighted that there is a campaign to get the US government to re-open its investigation of UFOs. Except for once when, while researching my timeless anatomy of the human condition, I was hypnotised and, though in Bloomsbury, saw a flying saucer in Norfolk, I have never really believed in any of this stuff. But it's such fun. And, whether the US Air Force admits it or not, there is one very anomalous overflight - tracked on radar all the way across the country - that still troubles them. Call me, guys, I know a thing or two.
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A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
Unlike the Astronomer Royal, I had no idea what year it was, or which solar system I happened to be in, when a weightless metallic craft deposited me on the planet Earth. A tiny galactic mammal about to be subjected to some behavioral experiment. It was cold and clear. I remember its amphibian fuselage glistening dully in the moonlight as it hung above me, silent, black and unfathomable. And that everything seemed so unreal and remote. Like a thousand years ahead. I looked up and was amazed at the galactic clustering of stars. Then a tall tree burst into flames.
ReplyDeleteYou may doubt the authenticity of this incident, folks, but that is how I arrived on Earth.
I thought I saw a UFO the other week - turned out it was a flightless drone that Kent Police are secretly testing as a weapon against people smuggling and whatnot...
ReplyDeleteSomething mildly titillating about your tale, Selena. Or maybe it's just prurience on my part. You know what men are like.
ReplyDelete“You know what men are like....”
ReplyDeleteThe last time I was intimately acquainted with a man was when I sat on his face. And while I am compelled by weight of evidence to admit that his was one of the handsomest faces I ever sat on, I also have to agree with Neil that this particular gender is, indeed, a little prurient!
P.S.: He never found out that I actually am an extraterrestrial - albeit a dormant one.
Mmm. I see. It sounds like he became more intimately acquainted with you than you him. Did you confuse his face with a chair or was he careless enough to have left his face on a chair and you sat down without looking?
ReplyDeleteEither way, Sir, he stared at my antennae and said he liked the way they were joined to my chest. (And in relating that I guess I am giving myself away). But I very regretfully conclude that even though no sentiment is more firmly rooted in the human character than a distrust of extraterrestrials, the habit possessed by certain humanoids of specifically staring at your antennae, is an inevitable derivative of planetary cultural history ( notorious in its time for sodomy, flogging and browsing the internet for a Thai bride). To which characteristics certain unearthly personalities would no doubt add a strong taste for bondage, of which I, personally, take a less galactic view, but I very reluctantly conceded that few of them would be expressing delight if being sat upon was not included.
ReplyDeleteI hope this has been helpful!
I do apologise, everyone. Those of us at Galactapol have been tracking Selena for some time. Needless to say, she is not part of some behavioural experiment, and is, rather, an astral fugitive, wanted in 5 galactic sectors for fraud, inter-solar terrorism, and evasion of the galactic-centre congestion charge.
ReplyDeleteSelena is cunning and dangerous; those who know Selena's whereabouts should not approach her, but should contact their local law enforcement operatives, quoting the code-word 'Borag Thungg'.
Be vigilant.
Check out the strip clubs with extraterrestrial pole dancers. Tony, they're doin' the wave!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the warning, Gordon. I was just making small talk and then things got weird.
ReplyDeleteYou have only yourself to blame, Neil. Things were already weird before you entered with your small talk, and with your entrance, they merely continued in the same vein.
ReplyDeletei've just started reading your Aliens book, most enjoyable, and pleasing to encounter one of the great Agent Smith's True Sayings near the beginning (on humanity as a virus).
ReplyDeleteHey, Selena, what kind of tree burst into flames? It wasn't a Douglas Fir, was it? Those are very interesting trees.