Friday, December 05, 2008

The Bored Need-a-Laugh Caption Contest

Posted by Bryan Appleyard at 9:44 am

26 comments:

  1. BritDecember 05, 2008 9:50 am

    So, this is happiness.

    (nb. you have to say that in the right tone. Experiment with a view variations of deadpan-ity until you find the funny one.

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 10:24 am

    The Four Seasons is delighted to announce its new Appleyard Suite. Instead of the usual rubber duck, our favourite surly critic will offer invaluable, bespoke advice on bathroom etiquette whilst you undress, shave, poo and shower in the style of Oscar Wild. Topics will include nasal hair trimming, the most effective use of toilet paper in order to minimise chafing, and how best to moisturise. Further more personal service will be at Bryan's discretion and subject to additional charges.

    ReplyDelete
  3. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 10:52 am

    According to his wishes, Appleyard's internal organs were pickled and his mummy was placed in an alien spacecraft.

    Sadly, tomb raiders broke into his pyramid and made off with his shoes.

    ReplyDelete
  4. VinceDecember 05, 2008 10:55 am

    SIMPLY ADD BOLLINGER
    and flower Guaranteed.

    ReplyDelete
  5. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 11:05 am

    You dress young. Unwise.

    ReplyDelete
  6. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 11:18 am

    TUBBY BROCCOLI

    In Business this week we interview broccoli king Bryan Appleyard.

    ReplyDelete
  7. maltyDecember 05, 2008 11:27 am

    My mother told me "never wash your feet with your socks on"

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  8. Steve BuckleyDecember 05, 2008 11:31 am

    Mr Applyard attended only the very best sperm donor clinics.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Steve BuckleyDecember 05, 2008 11:42 am

    Three jars of penti-peptides AND a stripy shirt? Bryan was pushing the boundaries of eternal life like not other before.

    ReplyDelete
  10. JohnnyDecember 05, 2008 11:43 am

    This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Steve BuckleyDecember 05, 2008 11:44 am

    Get back to Dylan and the 'Wire'. Best leave the restaurant critiques to Gill.

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  12. JohnnyDecember 05, 2008 11:46 am

    Cadbury unveils new Flake model.

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  13. Uncle Dick MadeleyDecember 05, 2008 12:16 pm

    Waiter, waiter, there's a journalist in my soup!

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  14. Steve BuckleyDecember 05, 2008 12:19 pm

    BUPA goes post-modern minimalist.

    ReplyDelete
  15. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 12:32 pm

    See a 'green' bath can be enjoyable!

    ReplyDelete
  16. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 12:53 pm

    Photo taken moments before world-record attempt at largest clay pigeon shoot. (Window out onto woodland retracts and giant disc is slung out). Bryan mistook it for a bath, silly, and lay down in it. Bye bye Bryan - it was an honour.

    ReplyDelete
  17. John HalliwellDecember 05, 2008 12:55 pm

    The cover picture of Appleyard's Christmas book '100 things to do with a champagne glass' is described by the TLS reviewer as "practically pornographic". As for the 100 suggestions he reports that "5 is achievable only with great care, 18 and 31 are physically impossible, and 76 should never be undertaken when there's an ambulance strike"

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  18. Steve BuckleyDecember 05, 2008 1:18 pm

    Complaints from visitors to Tate Modern as new 'art' installation begin to emit unpleasant smell. 'It stinks', said Muriel Flange from Dulwich.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Gordon McCabeDecember 05, 2008 1:56 pm

    Alan Yentob is away this week.

    ReplyDelete
  20. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 1:56 pm

    There would appear to be some truth in the rumour that the legendary writer Bryan Appleyard has grown so small on his low-carb diet that he now bathes in a wash basin.

    ReplyDelete
  21. mahlermanDecember 05, 2008 2:02 pm

    Airbrush the glass out, and it looks quite interesting

    ReplyDelete
  22. Bryan AppleyardDecember 05, 2008 2:26 pm

    Well ha, bloody ha, guys. Dress young, Trinny, which bit is young. Like the broccoli thing, hadn't thought f that. Alleviated the boredom entirely.

    ReplyDelete
  23. BritDecember 05, 2008 2:45 pm

    "A view variations" - what a strange, strange typo I made up at the top there.

    If you want more ha bloody ha on a boring Friday, I discuss unfunny practical jokes here.

    ReplyDelete
  24. AnonymousDecember 05, 2008 3:56 pm

    Bathroom Concierge at the Aussie Hotel awaits a guest with a complimentary glass of champagne.

    ReplyDelete
  25. VinceDecember 05, 2008 5:03 pm

    Out of interest, is it useful. You look a bit braced in the photo leaving me with the feel if you lifted a leg there was a better that average chance of going under.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Gordon McCabeDecember 05, 2008 5:34 pm

    Bryan Appleyard in a nutshell.

    ReplyDelete

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