Monday, December 22, 2008

Help, Please

Look, I'll be frank, the posts just aren't coming. I've got blogger's block. I want you all to come up with subjects and I'll post on them or try to - sort of charades, but then again not. Think of it as a Christmas thing, involving, like all cool Yules, exhaustion, imaginative impoverishment, silly games and a dodgy uncle. Or, of course, you might not care.


  1. Well the (male) blogger's usual stand-by - when even caption competitions and links to The Onion can't save them - is the annual Top 10 list.

    Top 10 Consolations?

  2. Oh for goodness sake....

    Who would be on a British Mt Rushmore? (or is the fact that we wouldn't have one a proud boast?)

    The great apes - consoling or terrifying?

    What is the most cringe-making thing you said or did as a youth, and is it possible to ever get over it?

    Why do people stay the same throughout their whole life and is this good or bad?

    Is love what will survive of us?

    Is it braver and more difficult to be mainstream or avant-garde?

    Is Fox in Socks the funniest book ever written? (The answer is yes)

  3. You need to get a few jars down just like the city boyz

    "Credit Crunch Christmas": Tarquin Britten and the City Boyz

  4. The year is ending with such foreboding for a dire world economy in 2009, I am badly in need of a list of world events that were unambiguously good in 2008. The only one that immediately springs to my mind is the cancellation of the Australian version of Big Brother.

  5. You could have us imagine famous fictional characters at Christmas. I understand Batman and Robin are having a capon.

  6. I might also add that the list of countries which are officially "a worry" seems to blown out spectacularly this year. Why do we have to have half of Africa a complete mess; Iran and Russia increasingly cocky; Israel,Palestine and Pakistan as insolvable dilemmas; Mexico taken over by a drug war; Thailand not able to keep its airports open; and even Canada with a crisis of government, all at the same time? Is this some ridiculous bad karma for Planet Earth, or what?

  7. Which British TV cooks annoy the British the most? (I know they all irritate me now, each in their unique way, but how are they perceived in their home country interests me.)

  8. Who are the people you would WANT to represent Britain and what's quintessentially British for the 2012 Olympic ceremony, instead of who will actually be chosen?

    I vote Ian Hislop and Paul Merton doing a double act.

  9. Since you're offering, how about a rundown of the leisure provision at Epsom Playhouse? I'm meant to be writing it this afternoon and could do with some help.

  10. my new year resolutions never ....

    sex as I grow older has come to mean....

    in the morning I have to ... or I ....
    evening too

    when I was young I acted ... I am still puzzled by what ....

    when I die I want ... to remember me ....

    if I am able to have last words, it will be....

    often when I look at people .....

    when an attractive person and I lock eyes ....

    my favorite writer .... poet .... essayist ....


  11. Your least likeable interviewee (avoiding libel of course).

    Most preposterous thing ever heard on Newsnight Review.

    How come John Malkovich and Jeff Goldblum are considered serious actors when Adam West isn't, given that the first two just do West impressions? (ie. speaking one half of a line ....very ....slooooowly....and the-second-half-very-quickly)

    West Brom 2 Man City 1.

    Did anyone else watch The Devil's Whore on Channel 4? Wasn't it mad?

    When we go to heaven, will all of our childhood dogs be there?

  12. You have only one Swede under your belt. Plenty of low-hanging fruit left there. And when you run out of them, you can start on the Norwegians.

  13. If you were in charge of the country for one day, what are the 10 things you would choose to change?

    What is your favourite bird and why(one for Nige).

    If the stocks were brought back as a form of community punishment, who should be first in the firing line?

    For which completely unacceptable public figure do you harbour a secret sexual longing?

    Football or rugby?

    Is there a more boring spectator sport than cycling?

    Why is orange jam called marmalade?

    Is Russell Brand ever funny?

  14. It has been discovered that reincarnation does exist. Everyone is a reincarnation of someone else, except the first lot of course, Dog made them in his tea break.
    As we know Brit was Billy Wordsworth and before that one of Chas Stuarts Irish military advisers, Elberry, being part Indian was Sitting Bull.
    Tu Brute ?

  15. Of course, we could look at the wonders Fabio Capello has wrought on the worst football team in the world. Are there wider lessons and could other organisations (Government departments, Man City) benefit?

    Why is Mediterranean Catholicism, with its legacy of Jesuitical rigour, underestimated by the Brits? Why is their food and family run restaurants so much better too?

  16. Hi, Malty! Good to see your name here and to know you didn't fall off a mountain....

    Here are some topics sure to get millions of posters:

    Europeans (incl. Brits) often make fun of Americans on their blogs. How much of the bile spewed in a North American direction is really envy?

    Which is better, true love or fame and fortune?

    Have you betrayed your youthful ideals? Was it worth it?

    Which decade of your life has been your happiest, and why?

    Have fun. Happy Hanukkah, with Christmas and Kwanzaa yet to come (lotta hard 'k' sounds, ever noticed?)

  17. Why is Mediterranean Catholicism, with its legacy of Jesuitical rigour, underestimated by the Brits?

    That, Paddy, is the best question I've heard since "Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear?"

  18. The Failed Intellectuals Society's Hopelessly Inaccurate and Totally Inappropriate Predictions for 2009

    From Anal Sex to Zabaglione: A Philosopher's Guide to Growing Old Disgracefully

    The Rehabilitation of Burt Reynolds: an icon for troubled times?

    Shaving Soap or Raving Dope: Do you lather up clockwise or anticlockwise and what it says about you

    "Doctor, I just can stop myself": Confessions of a Manchester City Man

    Jamie Cooks the Kids: What to do when the food runs out

    Nige and Bryan's Celebrity Christmas Lock Up: Who gets porridge for the day - and who will the jokey journos let out to enjoy the turkey?

  19. Bloody hell, rich pickings. This should see me through '09.

  20. Brit:

    "Who is Spain?"

    "Why is Hitler?"

    "When is right?"

  21. Susan,
    About 95%
    Illicit Love and fortune
    Betrayed them whilst young
    About 15 mins of the sixties
    Very many of 'em

    Julia Roberts
    The wife of my next door neighbour
    I couldn't possibly comment
    Both tossers sport, neither
    How dare you madam, watch next years TDF
    Its cat coloured
    The day he drops down dead

  22. "When is right?"

    Usually now, innit?

    frank, the dodgy uncle sounds intriguing.

    happy holidays and all.

  23. I am doing Mutleys Christmas Crackers... a pointless but satisfying plunge into smut!!

  24. i'll have you know i am a very reputable uncle to my 3 nipoti (plural of 'nipote'?) who call me 'Uncle Dog' because the youngest two can't pronounce 'Elberry'. i play Snakes & Ladders with them with obsessive zeal and chastise them for cheating.

    i don't recall any Indian or even Red Indian lives, Malty - Sumerian, Egyptian and Austrian Jew, but i dare say there are some hidden away...

  25. The real reasons for surveillance cameras, attempts to have extended detention without charge. Paranoid, moi?

  26. I got a grant from the federal government for $12,000 in financial aid, see how you can get one also at