Friday, December 05, 2008

The Bored Need-a-Laugh Caption Contest

26 comments:

  1. So, this is happiness.

    (nb. you have to say that in the right tone. Experiment with a view variations of deadpan-ity until you find the funny one.

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  2. The Four Seasons is delighted to announce its new Appleyard Suite. Instead of the usual rubber duck, our favourite surly critic will offer invaluable, bespoke advice on bathroom etiquette whilst you undress, shave, poo and shower in the style of Oscar Wild. Topics will include nasal hair trimming, the most effective use of toilet paper in order to minimise chafing, and how best to moisturise. Further more personal service will be at Bryan's discretion and subject to additional charges.

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  3. According to his wishes, Appleyard's internal organs were pickled and his mummy was placed in an alien spacecraft.

    Sadly, tomb raiders broke into his pyramid and made off with his shoes.

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  4. SIMPLY ADD BOLLINGER
    and flower Guaranteed.

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  5. You dress young. Unwise.

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  6. TUBBY BROCCOLI

    In Business this week we interview broccoli king Bryan Appleyard.

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  7. My mother told me "never wash your feet with your socks on"

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  8. Mr Applyard attended only the very best sperm donor clinics.

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  9. Three jars of penti-peptides AND a stripy shirt? Bryan was pushing the boundaries of eternal life like not other before.

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  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  11. Get back to Dylan and the 'Wire'. Best leave the restaurant critiques to Gill.

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  12. Waiter, waiter, there's a journalist in my soup!

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  13. See a 'green' bath can be enjoyable!

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  14. Photo taken moments before world-record attempt at largest clay pigeon shoot. (Window out onto woodland retracts and giant disc is slung out). Bryan mistook it for a bath, silly, and lay down in it. Bye bye Bryan - it was an honour.

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  15. The cover picture of Appleyard's Christmas book '100 things to do with a champagne glass' is described by the TLS reviewer as "practically pornographic". As for the 100 suggestions he reports that "5 is achievable only with great care, 18 and 31 are physically impossible, and 76 should never be undertaken when there's an ambulance strike"

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  16. Complaints from visitors to Tate Modern as new 'art' installation begin to emit unpleasant smell. 'It stinks', said Muriel Flange from Dulwich.

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  17. There would appear to be some truth in the rumour that the legendary writer Bryan Appleyard has grown so small on his low-carb diet that he now bathes in a wash basin.

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  18. Airbrush the glass out, and it looks quite interesting

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  19. Well ha, bloody ha, guys. Dress young, Trinny, which bit is young. Like the broccoli thing, hadn't thought f that. Alleviated the boredom entirely.

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  20. "A view variations" - what a strange, strange typo I made up at the top there.

    If you want more ha bloody ha on a boring Friday, I discuss unfunny practical jokes here.

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  21. Bathroom Concierge at the Aussie Hotel awaits a guest with a complimentary glass of champagne.

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  22. Out of interest, is it useful. You look a bit braced in the photo leaving me with the feel if you lifted a leg there was a better that average chance of going under.

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