And then, one fine day, I write one - one! - article about a frigging diet and suddenly everybody takes notice. Fat, not fate, is what lures the masses. But they seem to need me and noblesse oblige, so, at 5pm this afternoon on Channel 4, you will see me discussing my regime and my boyish body with none other than Richard and Judy. Richard is particularly excited.
I shall then promptly return to my astrolabe, retorts and incunabula to continue my voyage through strange seas of thought alone.
A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
Seize the day, Bryan.
ReplyDeleteGet the fad diet bit out the of way early and then expertly steer the conversation towards cowboy boots, immortality and the 'found poetry' of Norfolk. I'd be interested to hear Richard's take on that lot.
they say the telly makes you fat (in more ways than one, I imagine) - I shall make an allowance for this before concluding.
ReplyDeletewhat am I saying?! I'm neither a student, unemployed, or housewife!! is it on repeat? Do something ridiculous and it'll be on YouTube...
...yeah, the boots might work.
Cool, almost makes me wish i had TV. Can you do the 'evil eye' stare of David Blaine?
ReplyDeleteDare you to start talking about his blog, commiserate with him for being told off for blogging at work etc., get some Bill Oddie refs in there. You would never be invited on again but it would be most amusing and commendable.
Great idea Elberry - and Bryan remember to face the camera at all times - you know you're invisible sideways on....
ReplyDeleteI barely slept last night after hearing the news that you’ll be on the show. I'm hoping to wear my favourite cravat for the interview and I'll be sure to steer the interview towards clowns, cats, and Liverpool. If you’d like to discuss Wallace Stevens, that's fine too. Judy’s been reading 'Harmonium' all morning. She'd like you to explain why none of it rhymes.
ReplyDelete"An exquisite Persian miniature" sounds to me like the posturing of a perv, but perhaps this is Appleyardian cryptic for: unto thin self be true? I care, but I may not remember. The ego posits itself, my foot. Richard & Judy. Noah and the Whale.
ReplyDeleteAlso, please wear the cowboy boots.
ReplyDeleteAnd make casually offensive comments about tattoos and fat people.
ReplyDeleteAnd refer to Gordon Brown as 'weak' while clenching your fist to indicate you could crush his skull with one hand.
i wish you'd given me more notice, i bet i'll think of all kinds of good ideas for weeks after the show.
And you should keep looking warily about and asking "are there any cats here? Are you sure?", sniffing the air and then insisting: "I'm sure I smelled a cat."
ReplyDeleteAnd refer to Judy as "the strumpet" or "your kept woman."
ReplyDeleteFurthermore it occurs to me you could simply take over the show with incredibly, unstoppable and unexpected monologues, silencing R & J every time they try to speak with the clenched fist and threat to crush our PM's skull, and then thank them for "coming onto my show" and for "being the first guests on the Appleyard Show".
ReplyDeleteYou could stage a coup d'etat live on tv, wrest the mantle of power from Richard & Judy, and have them clapped in irons or possibly just clothed in filthy rags, whipped, and cast out into the streets like vagrants.
Furthermore it occurs to me you could simply take over the show with incredibly, unstoppable and unexpected monologues
ReplyDeleteA bit like you've done with this post, elberry?
Well done! Nige has really got his work cut out now to beat this. Have I Got Nige for You, Nige of the Day, Only Nige and Horses, Butterflies and Boulevardiers - surely only a primetime slot and then the Baftas will do. Hope it's all enjoyable, anyway.
ReplyDeleteYowza -- that's great Bryan! Anyway we can get that in America? I mean, will it be available via the Internet? I'd love to see you on there. I watch old Richard and Judy when I'm in the UK, which is now *very* infrequently.
ReplyDeleteI think avoiding carbohydrates altogether is dangerous. The Italians eat loads of carbs yet have the third highest life expectancy in the world. Look at all those amaciated supermodels, you know they won't live past 60 munching on nothing but meat and salad leaves.
ReplyDeleteAnon: More like snorting coke and munching on salad leaves.
ReplyDeleteUm must try that one Susan- Mrs Captain has taken the Appleyard diet to heart, confronting the old salt with minutely chopped celery and nuts for every meal.
ReplyDeleteYou are in drastic need of updating the blog photo, the telly shows you as being at least ten years younger. But why did you not display the boots.
ReplyDeletePerhaps Vince, he thought there were enough old boots on display?
ReplyDeleteIn future be wary of women bearing celery, bit of a liberty having to follow a burd rubbing veg all over other burdz, and where did you get those pajama tops.
ReplyDeletewife chose the shirt, Malty
ReplyDeleteSeen the clip now, having recorded it. Everyone seemed very jolly and relaxed. Art de V got a picture, and there were a couple of cut-back shots of you with what looked like cowboy boots. Loved the caveman clip, a nice touch of fun. And you did look really well.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mark, that's a relief, I felt awful for some reason.
ReplyDeleteSusan, try this link from tomorrow (Wednesday). Channel 4 have a free catch-up service.
ReplyDeletehttp://www.channel.com/video/richard-and-judy/catchup.html
Ohuruogu-cool performance.
ReplyDeleteReally surreal to see you sitting opposite R & J. You look mid-40s, much younger than the rumpled Appleyard on your blog's header.
ReplyDeleteYou also have very elvish-looking ears and eyebrows, i reckon you should put yourself forwards as a potential Elrond when they remake the Tolkien films, you could be Elrond in cowboy boots.
Sadly, Anonymous, that link did not work. Got me to a site from which I could rent DVDs.
ReplyDeleteAnyone have a link that does work? I want to see this young Appleyard in his pajamas and cowboy boots!
Susan, try this:
ReplyDeletehttp://www.channel4.com/video/richard-and-judy/catchup.html
"Bill Nighy" (ahem, I doubt you are he, but he does rock, so i'm happy to see the name), that link got me to the right page, but since I am neither in England or Eire, it won't let me watch the clip. They give some selected clips for free --I *could* watch R. & J.'s Christmas book picks from 2005, for example -- otherwise you can sign up for their on-demand service and pay to see anything.
ReplyDeleteI love Bryan Appleyard, but....
Tant pis pour moi.
Susan, email me at the address on my blogger profile if you want to. I might be able to sort something out.
ReplyDeleteInteresting interview. Btw, I found it easiest to see on youtube.
ReplyDeleteWhat does your man's diet have to say about alcohol in relation to dieting I wonder?