Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Neither Fate Nor the Astrolabe

I don't know. I spend my life in a condition of existential dread as I plumb the depths of the human mind, scour the cosmos for clues, teeter above the abyss of knowledge and cling to the rock face of metaphysical speculation. Or I wander the golden paths of art and the green tunnels of nature. Or, pausing only to refute Kant on the basis of  a crude misreading, I empty language of the vulgar meaning. Or I observe with a wry smile while toying with an exquisite Persian miniature the follies and petty aspirations of my age. Few care, fewer understand, none remember.
And then, one fine day, I write one - one! - article about a frigging diet and suddenly everybody takes notice. Fat, not fate, is what lures the masses. But they seem to need me and noblesse oblige, so, at 5pm this afternoon on Channel 4, you will see me discussing my regime and my boyish body with none other than Richard and Judy. Richard is particularly excited.
I shall then promptly return to my astrolabe, retorts and incunabula to continue my voyage through strange seas of thought alone.

31 comments:

  1. Seize the day, Bryan.

    Get the fad diet bit out the of way early and then expertly steer the conversation towards cowboy boots, immortality and the 'found poetry' of Norfolk. I'd be interested to hear Richard's take on that lot.

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  2. they say the telly makes you fat (in more ways than one, I imagine) - I shall make an allowance for this before concluding.

    what am I saying?! I'm neither a student, unemployed, or housewife!! is it on repeat? Do something ridiculous and it'll be on YouTube...

    ...yeah, the boots might work.

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  3. Cool, almost makes me wish i had TV. Can you do the 'evil eye' stare of David Blaine?

    Dare you to start talking about his blog, commiserate with him for being told off for blogging at work etc., get some Bill Oddie refs in there. You would never be invited on again but it would be most amusing and commendable.

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  4. Great idea Elberry - and Bryan remember to face the camera at all times - you know you're invisible sideways on....

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  5. I barely slept last night after hearing the news that you’ll be on the show. I'm hoping to wear my favourite cravat for the interview and I'll be sure to steer the interview towards clowns, cats, and Liverpool. If you’d like to discuss Wallace Stevens, that's fine too. Judy’s been reading 'Harmonium' all morning. She'd like you to explain why none of it rhymes.

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  6. "An exquisite Persian miniature" sounds to me like the posturing of a perv, but perhaps this is Appleyardian cryptic for: unto thin self be true? I care, but I may not remember. The ego posits itself, my foot. Richard & Judy. Noah and the Whale.

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  7. Also, please wear the cowboy boots.

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  8. And make casually offensive comments about tattoos and fat people.

    And refer to Gordon Brown as 'weak' while clenching your fist to indicate you could crush his skull with one hand.

    i wish you'd given me more notice, i bet i'll think of all kinds of good ideas for weeks after the show.

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  9. And you should keep looking warily about and asking "are there any cats here? Are you sure?", sniffing the air and then insisting: "I'm sure I smelled a cat."

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  10. And refer to Judy as "the strumpet" or "your kept woman."

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  11. Furthermore it occurs to me you could simply take over the show with incredibly, unstoppable and unexpected monologues, silencing R & J every time they try to speak with the clenched fist and threat to crush our PM's skull, and then thank them for "coming onto my show" and for "being the first guests on the Appleyard Show".

    You could stage a coup d'etat live on tv, wrest the mantle of power from Richard & Judy, and have them clapped in irons or possibly just clothed in filthy rags, whipped, and cast out into the streets like vagrants.

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  12. Furthermore it occurs to me you could simply take over the show with incredibly, unstoppable and unexpected monologues

    A bit like you've done with this post, elberry?

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  13. Well done! Nige has really got his work cut out now to beat this. Have I Got Nige for You, Nige of the Day, Only Nige and Horses, Butterflies and Boulevardiers - surely only a primetime slot and then the Baftas will do. Hope it's all enjoyable, anyway.

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  14. Yowza -- that's great Bryan! Anyway we can get that in America? I mean, will it be available via the Internet? I'd love to see you on there. I watch old Richard and Judy when I'm in the UK, which is now *very* infrequently.

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  15. I think avoiding carbohydrates altogether is dangerous. The Italians eat loads of carbs yet have the third highest life expectancy in the world. Look at all those amaciated supermodels, you know they won't live past 60 munching on nothing but meat and salad leaves.

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  16. Anon: More like snorting coke and munching on salad leaves.

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  17. Um must try that one Susan- Mrs Captain has taken the Appleyard diet to heart, confronting the old salt with minutely chopped celery and nuts for every meal.

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  18. You are in drastic need of updating the blog photo, the telly shows you as being at least ten years younger. But why did you not display the boots.

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  19. Perhaps Vince, he thought there were enough old boots on display?

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  20. In future be wary of women bearing celery, bit of a liberty having to follow a burd rubbing veg all over other burdz, and where did you get those pajama tops.

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  21. Seen the clip now, having recorded it. Everyone seemed very jolly and relaxed. Art de V got a picture, and there were a couple of cut-back shots of you with what looked like cowboy boots. Loved the caveman clip, a nice touch of fun. And you did look really well.

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  22. Thanks, Mark, that's a relief, I felt awful for some reason.

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  23. Susan, try this link from tomorrow (Wednesday). Channel 4 have a free catch-up service.

    http://www.channel.com/video/richard-and-judy/catchup.html

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  24. Ohuruogu-cool performance.

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  25. Really surreal to see you sitting opposite R & J. You look mid-40s, much younger than the rumpled Appleyard on your blog's header.

    You also have very elvish-looking ears and eyebrows, i reckon you should put yourself forwards as a potential Elrond when they remake the Tolkien films, you could be Elrond in cowboy boots.

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  26. Sadly, Anonymous, that link did not work. Got me to a site from which I could rent DVDs.

    Anyone have a link that does work? I want to see this young Appleyard in his pajamas and cowboy boots!

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  27. Susan, try this:

    http://www.channel4.com/video/richard-and-judy/catchup.html

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  28. "Bill Nighy" (ahem, I doubt you are he, but he does rock, so i'm happy to see the name), that link got me to the right page, but since I am neither in England or Eire, it won't let me watch the clip. They give some selected clips for free --I *could* watch R. & J.'s Christmas book picks from 2005, for example -- otherwise you can sign up for their on-demand service and pay to see anything.

    I love Bryan Appleyard, but....

    Tant pis pour moi.

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  29. Susan, email me at the address on my blogger profile if you want to. I might be able to sort something out.

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  30. Interesting interview. Btw, I found it easiest to see on youtube.

    What does your man's diet have to say about alcohol in relation to dieting I wonder?

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