Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Egg Outrage

Unlike Bryan with his Steel-Cut Oats, I'm not a breakfast man - but I cannot let the Egg Outrage pass unremarked. It's hard to know which is the more otiose here - the assumption that viewers would mistake a notalgic ad revival for the latest 'nutritional advice' from Our Masters, or the related assumption that, if they did, they would follow said advice. Well, that's the world we live in - guidelines, compliance, box-ticking, targets - anything but the free exercise of sound judgment. And it will get worse...
As for eggs, it's probably best to say no more - I have known conversations about eggs and their proper cooking prove frighteningly impassioned and mind-numbingly interminable.


  1. I had poached eggs on toast for brekkie this morning, and I'm still alive at 10.41am.

  2. two words on boiling an egg, nige - delia smith. nah, for brekky you can't do better than a good kipper, a knob of butter and a slice of brown bread. steel-cut oats are harder to find than hen's teeth and I suspect it's a load of rubbish like they put it about you should tear basil never cut it - what bollocks! that's how religions start. remember delia smith and you'll not go wrong.

  3. sorry, nige, Jack Nicholson. those are the two words if you prefer your eggs scrambled.

  4. Onsen eggs, a Japanese delicacy, that's your man.

  5. The two words for scrambled eggs are not Delia Smith, that's for sure - she gets it sooo wrong - so that just leaves Jack Nicholson...

  6. Hello.

    Erin O'Brien, Fat American, here.

    Now then, is the correct spelling "brekkie" per brit or "brekky" per Ian?

  7. Confidential to Mr. Appleyard: you see, darling, once you call a woman fat, she never ever ever ever forgets.

  8. Kristoffer Hammer of the BACC said: "Dietary considerations have been at the centre of the new rules for advertising and in consideration of this we felt that these adverts did not suggest a varied diet."

    You see, Nige, you cantakerous old fogey, you have it all wrong. It's not about state dirigismeat all. It's not even really about nutrition, which is soooo pre-postmodern. Take it from Kristoffer, it's about the blessings of variety. Spice of life and all that. He's is worried whether we will be depressed by the thought of lives condemned to one damned egg after another. What I imagine would make him happy is a varied campaign like this:

    Monday: "Go to work on a Scotch egg."
    Tuesday: "Go to work on black coffee and a fag."
    Wednesday: "Go to work on boiled beef and a flagon of strong ale."
    Thursday: "Go to work on yesterday's Chinese takeout leftovers."
    Friday: "Go to work on The Great British Sausage--Lots of 'em."
    Saturday: "Stay home on whiskey and salted almonds."
    Sunday "Honour the Sabbath by fasting in bed and waiting for dinner."

    Bit low on vitamin B and niacin, but that's why God made Cornish pasties.

  9. Oh yeah, in America, we spell it "breakfast" and say things like, "Breakfast, it's not just for breakfast anymore!"

    We are not allowed to say "fag" here, but we are allowed to say "Go to work on an egg."

    Are Cornish pasties worn on the nipples?

    Thank you for your support.

  10. Great stuff, Peter - I especially like the sound of Wednesday and Saturday.
    On the more general point, perhaps we're heading for a state of affairs where no single foodstuff can be advertised without one of those garbled disclaimers reminding us to eat other things. No doubt the finest brains of Brussels are working on the legislation even now...

  11. My son (13) went to work on an egg last summer during a fit of boredom. He put it in the microwave and hit full power for a few minutes. His report: First the egg began to twitch, then it began to rock, then it ultimately blew up and coated the microwave with its albuminous interior. It was, said Mark, "Way cool." (It was also a disgusting mess.)

    I am thinking of this because said son is currently home alone and I am at work (rest of family in Oregon). Please let him not think of some similar experiment today.

  12. I don't mind the spelling, ''brekkie''. I'm not sure there's hard rules with vernacular.

    no, delia smith does boiled. gordon ramsay for an easy omelette though he does mark down for a two-tone surface while I prefer to have a little scorch marking myself.

  13. when I was a boy I had a Boy's Own manual that told of a method of cooking an egg by centrifugal force - though it might have been centripetal, my physics isn't as good as my cooking. anyway, the egg was placed in the middle of a large cloth, say a towel or pillow case, and the ends brought together to fashion a sling. half an hour whirling around one's head resulted in a soft egg, a little longer for hard. the illustration showed a line drawing of an aboriginal gentleman of no certain origin.