Thursday, June 07, 2007
My Death by Cat
Starvation, dehydration, drowning, melanoma or a bullet from a hedge funder's AK47 were all ways I expected to die from global warming. But now, I realise, it will be anaphylactic shock that finishes me off. I am very allergic to cats - it is the saliva which they constantly apply to their fur - and now the nasty little spitballs are reproducing wildly as a result of rising temperatures. Since my allergy is accompanied by an intense dislike of these creepy, exploitative cynics, this is, for me, nightmarish news. I am destined to end my days consumed with anger and loathing behind the blotched, weeping mass of a face the size of the London Eye. Dignity, at the end as always, will elude me.
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A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
Don't worry, Byran, dignity is not valued or even understood these days. Entertainment value and fame are far more important. The quirkiness of your demise will be a big hit, I'm sure, and bring you immense posthumous acclaim.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Neil, that is a great consolation. I just hope the cat breeding frenzy does not reach me here in Bhutan.
ReplyDeleteYes, but what a well dressed man, from hat to heels. Colourful vest and his own Kayak.
ReplyDeleteThe tellywag with its usual po-faced sarcasm. 'Went to the lord as his ancestors before him, in flamed'.
There's obviously some deep root to the very common loathing of cats- the common given reasons don't seem deep enough. Perhaps it is that they more than most animals upset teh ego's sense of being king of creation. "I may be far from the utopian island of individual happiness and wisdom that I wish I were, but at least I am the king of creation before which all else bows down." The humble cat rolls its eyes to heaven in amused disdain, and the human ego rages.
ReplyDeleteI always thought it was the clowns that were meant to get you. Now you say it's cats. It's all very confusing.
ReplyDeleteThis is alarming. I'm all for mass spaying but, as a modern social conservative, I'd like to see that combined with abstinence programmes.
ReplyDeleteBhutan! What the hell are you doing there? Are you allergic to big cats too, I wonder? I suppose if you get close enough to find out, anaphylactic shock will be the least of your worries. Oh, how I love putting things in perspective.
ReplyDeleteThat would be an amusing & worthwhile death. i once hoped to die charging a machine-gun post, but realise now i was being foolishly optimistic.
ReplyDeleteYou should get a dog to keep cats at bay, a dobermann actually. My dober existed in a state of manic antagonism with my cat, and would chase her every day without fail. Only once he managed to corner her, and i ran over, alarmed that he might at last eat or half-eat her, only to find her, sodden, cowering as he systematically licked her all over with his huge pink dobertongue. Strange. i think he was marking her as his territory, better than pissing on her, i guess.
There was a delightful clip of badgers on Springwatch last night. That's the pet for me, I think. They seem loyal, affectionate, very playful and pretty easy to feed. I doubt you'd have many cats hanging around making you sneeze if there's a decent badger or two looking after you. What News of the Bhutanese Badger? Surely a primo question to ask your hosts out there.
ReplyDeleteBadgers are notoriously rife with flea infestations. However, I hear they make a lovely noise when you hit them with a spade.
ReplyDeleteBadgers? We don't need no stinking badgers.
ReplyDelete