Friday, June 15, 2007

The Hunt for Tracey

Police have put on their special go-faster boots to catch the woman attempting to marry four footballers at once this weekend. Vast sums have been spent, mainly on tents, by guileless soccer maestros Neville, Terry, Gerrard and Carrick in the belief that they are all marrying a different girl. But close examination of photographs of Lisa, Toni, Alex and Emma has revealed they are one and the same person. Her real name is believed to be Tracey and the simultaneous weddings are the result of a dare at the smart Essex nite spot Hook-a-Footballer. 'Bigamy is a serious crime,' said a police spokesman, 'bigamy with four of England's most multiply talented soccer stars doubly so.'


  1. "a source said: "It’s unheard of for the National Trust to close the grounds. They must have paid a lot."

    I take back my opinions about the idiot tabloid culture; this it must be admitted is analytical thought of a very high calibre.

  2. It's an interesting theory. As sure as night follows day, a Premiership footballer will one day march into a marquee and marry a peroxide blonde with a bright orange face and plastic bosoms and a man's name like Toni or Alex.

    Another possibility is that there is a robot factory somewhere in China churning out these 'women' as cover for the soccer stars, because all Premiership footballers are secretly gay.

    (Hope that doesn't transgress your no-libel rule, Bryan.)

  3. I don't know much about football but those photos all look like the same bloke to me - a double bluff. Why does he look like he's had his knackers strapped to the national grid? do they learn this photo-opportunity expressions at football college along with eloquent interviewing techniques?

    fwiw, I've done the maths and is the answer;
    B = 1 + 0.5(√F)

    where B is the level of bigamy
    and F the number of footballers?

    as I say, I don't know much about it.

  4. I like the China factory idea, it would explain everything. And, Ian, your mathematical expertise should me you would be of help with my later post on land values.

  5. I propose a new type of number:

    If √ 2, the square root of 2, is an irrational number (i.e., it can't be expressed as the ratio of two integers), and √ (-1), the square root of -1, is an imaginary number, then perhaps √ F, the square root of the number of footballers F, must be a 'stupid' number.

    And big Amy is a good friend of mine, not a serious crime. (Boom, boom!)