Monday, March 03, 2008

New Meanings

'I care passionately about....': I wish to be seen as the sort of person who is thought by the inattentive to care passionately.
'I am a free spirit': I suffer from crippling, infantile narcissism. Best to count your forks after I leave. 
'I go with the flow': I am a free spirit (see above) and my pathological selfishness prevents me from observing elementary social niceties.
'I read Gertrude Himmelfarb': I am, like all neocons, an unreconstructed Trotskyist and, anyway, I am Prime Minister.
'I work for the BBC': I am terrified of any challenge to my comfortably conventional views and I must, therefore, pretend to be impartial. (Thanks to Nick Cohen.)


  1. Green Economy: I care about our planet enough to make a profit from it.

  2. 'I hear what you're saying'. And am taking no notice of it.

    'Your call is important to us.' Your ordeal has barely begun...

  3. "I must be true to myself" --I'm leaving my family for my assistant.

    "I'm getting in touch with my inner child"--I've lost touch with my real ones.

    "I'm working on my self-esteem"--I no longer care whether I bore you or not.

  4. It is interesting that you mention spoons - my new novel which is being hawked around Grub Street as we speak touches on the history of playing the spoons.

  5. 'You could be paying too much for your current service provider'. You could be getting a lot less from us.

    'This offer is only available if you agree right now, over the phone'. You don't know who I am and you can't prove nothing.

    'You're not interested? That's fine, thank you for your time'. We'll call again next week and, hopefully, speak to your wife.

    'Brrrbbb, gllp, herrupp, mr. rooslie? flleep nimpoty doop? Naaaa- baaaa talktalktariff'. Neither of us understands what the other is telling them but I'm incredibly off-the-radar cheap and, by the quirks of international telecom law, you're paying for this call.

  6. "I'm entitled to my opinion" - I am incapabable of reason or logic.

    "I'm not two-faced"/ "What you see is what you get with me" - this entitles me to be extremely rude to you.

    "I don't believe in any particular religion but I am a very spiritual person" - I am unashamed to talk bollocks at great length.

  7. You old cynics! Would you prefer instead to be captive spirits swimming against the tide, and too tired by both to care about anything? There's nothing wrong with going with the flow. It's called relaxing.

    Time to let go and move on: Time to dump then in it and run.

    I take people as I find them: I am a psychopath.

    We take very seriously ... : We have been caught with our trousers down.

    Free Trade: Slave Trade.

  8. 'I think, therefore I am' : The QCDOC supercomputer gets cocky.

  9. "You're entitled to your opinion" - you're wrong and so beneath my notice I don't really care what you think.

    "Embrace diversity" or "vive la difference!" - your culture is rotten and should be replaced by a homogenized American rootlessness.

    "Thank you for your comments" - fuck you, bitch.

  10. What`s important is.........
    No it fucking isn`t

  11. its me again (Malty)

    "I did not have sex with that woman"

    "Well, actually, my cigar did, then she gave me a blow job, then I had a wank in a sink"

    Information taken from Sally Bedell-Smiths exellent book....
    For Love of Politics
    The Clintons in The White House

  12. "I'm sorry you feel that way." I"m not apologizing for the rotten thing I did.

  13. 'Service not included.' True.