Tuesday, May 22, 2007

All Russians to be Sent to Mevagissey

So we want to get hold of Lugovoi and charge him with murdering Litvinenko, but we can't because Russia's constitution does not allow its national to be extradited. Suddenly I want to be a Russian. One could simply pop over to Germany, Italy or wherever for a little light bank robbery or a few casual assassinations and then flee back to the homeland safe in the knowledge that, if detected, you would be protected. The obvious solution, as far as we are concerned, is to arrest every Russian leaving the country on suspicion of almost everything. We could then hold them long enough in special camps in the vicinity of Mevagissey, forcing them to eat only food from the St Austell branch of Tesco, which, of course, is not only horrible to start with but would also be well past its sell-by date. This would make the Putintours Weekend Crime Spree Get Away From It All option unattractive, thus forcing ex-KGB goons to seek their bargain breaks elsewhere. Algeria, I am told, is nice at this time of year, as is Iran, where, I imagine, the radiation from Polonium 210 would be undetectable thanks to the leakage from the nuclear weapons programme.


  1. i believe there's a romantic comedy film in that post somewhere, just waiting to come out...

  2. Written by Richard Curtis with Hugh Grant as the loveable, floppy-aired assassin and Victoria Wood as his Russian lover.