Fatties Threaten Civilisation

Here's a simile that should make us all stop and think. Alan Johnson, the health secretary, says obesity is like climate change. I would go further - fat people cause climate change. Fat people emits greenhouse gases and, because they tend to wear dark clothes to hide their immense guts, they reduce the reflectivity of the planet. When they dive into the sea they cause warm water to be drawn up to the surface, killing carbon-sequestrating algae. Because they eat so much, meat especially, fat people need large areas of agricultural land that might otherwise be returned to wilderness and, because they are heavy, they increase the fuel consumption and emissions of cars. When fat people go on adventure holidays to the Arctic, they help break up the pack ice. Fat people can't be bothered to turn their televisions off. They would cycle instead of drive but for the fact that they can see the pedals but not their feet. On the plus side, when they jump or dance, fat people cause volcanic eruptions which fling clouds of dust into the air and temporarily cool the planet. On balance, however, fat people are most like global warming because they are a bad thing.