Sunday, October 14, 2007

Fatties Threaten Civilisation

Here's a simile that should make us all stop and think. Alan Johnson, the health secretary, says obesity is like climate change. I would go further - fat people cause climate change. Fat people emits greenhouse gases and, because they tend to wear dark clothes to hide their immense guts, they reduce the reflectivity of the planet. When they dive into the sea they cause warm water to be drawn up to the surface, killing carbon-sequestrating algae. Because they eat so much, meat especially, fat people need large areas of agricultural land that might otherwise be returned to wilderness and, because they are heavy, they increase the fuel consumption and emissions of cars. When fat people go on adventure holidays to the Arctic, they help break up the pack ice. Fat people can't be bothered to turn their televisions off. They would cycle instead of drive but for the fact that they can see the pedals but not their feet. On the plus side, when they jump or dance, fat people cause volcanic eruptions which fling clouds of dust into the air and temporarily cool the planet. On balance, however, fat people are most like global warming because they are a bad thing.


  1. Working Class HeroOctober 14, 2007 11:47 am

    First they came for the smokers...

  2. Thanks for this post. It's a lovely autumn day, and your post has helped me to realize that I got up this morning in far too good a mood. I'm sure the gov wouldn't be at all happy if they thought we had nothing to rage and complain about.

    Why don't the overweight take up smoking? The ciggies would help them to lose weight, as would the sudden lack of funds for Big Macs, KFC, Mars Bars and trips on the bus. They'd also be helping the Treasury rather than MegaCorp.

    Round here, I'm more irritated by the alarming numbers of fat dogs. I suspect they may soon replace pumpkins and marrows as a desirable category in village shows. I feel a letter to the Daily Mail coming on.

  3. In line with your excellent example of Thought Chains, I have come up with the following.

    Obesity is caused by overeating. Overeating is a response to stress. Stress is caused by the irritation of other people. The most irritating thing is being nagged. The greatest contribution of modern politicians is professional nagging. Therefore obesity is caused by modern politicians.

    Best regards

  4. Silly to be in a good mood, Mark, glad to be of help.You are on to something, Nigel.

  5. And many modern politicians, like Al Gore, are fat.

  6. Oh, leave off the fatties. Some of my best friends are porkers. And I myself was recently dismayed to discover I weigh 18 pounds more now than I did as a college freshman 19 years ago -- and this despite regular swimming, walking, etc.

    The years, they pass, but their residue remains: On our midsections.

    My labrador, however, is admirably thin and muscled at age 9. The trick is this: Never stop wanting to chase the ball. Or frisbee. Or whatever rocks your boat (or kayak, Bryan).

  7. Hub helpfully points out, twas *29* years ago that I was a freshman in college! Jeez. Well, I did fail math.

  8. fat people are irreversible. or is that just elephants?

  9. While Mr Johnson was out on his rounds (he was a postman, perhaps I should add) I was studying biology, so I am a bit more knowledgeable about the biosphere than he is.

    On the basis of the current consensus, the wheatbelts (and ricebelts, and indeed soybelts) are destined to move more towards the poles: into regions which are geologically unsuited to growing these staples, resulting in much decreased yields.

    The world's human population now depends on refined carbohydrates for its food. Six billion plus people cannot be fed in any other way.

    The consumption of refined carbohydrates causes all sorts of health problems, notably the diseases of Syndrome X, which include obesity.

    The predicted famine which will attend global warming will serve to make everyone thinner. Much thinner.

    Unfortunately it will not make politicians consider their words more carefully or learn when to keep quiet altogether.

  10. P.S. Bryan, your "masthead" (as 'twere) mentions "imaginary ideas". Is there another kind?

  11. Fat people float and don't die of hypothermia if they fall into the north sea. Skinny people drop dead while they are out jogging ...

    I blame weight gain on the metric system - on the scales a 100 kgs sounds a lot less than 220lbs. And it's difficult to translate old favourite family recipes to metric weights - 1lb = 1kg?! - no wonder my cakes are double the size nowadays!