1)How can so many of you be stupid enough to vote for Hillary? There you are trying to spread democracy around the world while - Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton- back home you resort to dynastic rule.
2)How come you're all so fat?
3)Don't get me started on baseball. Over here it's called rounders and played by very young schoolgirls.
4)Are you ever going to build a decent car?
5)Shepherd, Mitt and Dakota are not viable first names.
6)It is not necessary always to lie and say 'Great' when asked 'How are you doing?' A much better answer is the traditional English 'Mustn't grumble.'
7)Budweiser is the vilest drink ever created by man and is not beer.
8)Nobody anywhere at any time looks good in a baseball cap.
I could go on but I might jeopardise my I-Visa.
A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
Once I commented on the Budweiser issue to a Bears fan and this swift answer was struck sweetly for a field goal, 'you do not eat yellow snow or drink yellow beer'.
ReplyDeleteWhile,the baseball cap is ideal when driving, esp' mornings when the sun is laying its rays slightly above on-coming traffic and sister rays are bouncing from dew-damp tarmac.
Don't talk to me about I-Visas. Years ago (just post 9/11), in the wide-eyed ignorance of my first visit to the US as press, I had no idea of such things.
ReplyDeleteMy publishing company, which organised the trip, neglected to mention not just that, but also the tacit understanding between many an employer and employee: "lie your way in, as we're not paying for them".
My full and frank confession of perfectly innocent intentions to the poisonous automatons at LAX immigration were dutifully met with that famous American welcome: handcuffs, mugshots, prints, 17-hours being bullied in custody, then packed off on a plane home.
I now have an I-Visa.
God, Johnny, awful. I had an I-Visa many years ago and then was told by an Embassy lawyer at a Grosvenor Square party I didn't need one. I happily travelled back and forth for a decade or more until I was stopped and generally messed about. I then got one and was told by an extremely supercilious clerk at the embassy that i should have had one all along. I don't mind the regulations, it's the inconsistent application I can't stand.
ReplyDeleteThe highlight of last night's TV viewing was former Prez Clinton being asked about voting for his wife, as he had just done. He put his hand on his heart and said, witha hint of a held back tear, "It's the proudest moment of my life."
ReplyDeleteWhat better than being sworn in as Prez? Better than being re-elected? Better than pulling Monica?
Spare me....
Exactly. US immigration officials (why do they always have monstrously fat arses?) seem to believe (not without reason) that they are above the law. If they decide on a whim that they don't like the look of you and want to make things difficult, there's not an awful lot you can do about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat really grates is the minimum extra hour I now have to spend each time I enter the US, as I'm subjected to the same tiresome secondary grilling, all thanks to the permanent 'black mark' against my name.
Amen to no.7 but I'm on the phone to Michael O'Leary about a possibility for no.s 3 & 8...
ReplyDeleteDon't forget:
ReplyDelete9) How come you can't use a knife and fork properly? Really, it's painful watching your cack-handed efforts...
10) Why must you insist on telling me every detail about your job, inlcuding your salary, within minutes of meeting me?
What about Schlitz? Even worse than Bud and most definitely not beer (even if it did make Milwaukee famous). Or Miller Lite...
ReplyDeleteI think I'd add pumpkin pie to this unfortunate list, together with cranberry "jelly" served up as a kind of log, as if it's been shaken from a Swarfega tin. To be fair (ho ho), the Yanks do still build a decent bike, although it helps to live in a 60s time warp and have five spare hours each week to polish all that chrome. OTOH, when the distances you have to cover as so vast, as they often are in the States, what you need is something that will bring out the experience of the journey, which a good Harley will. Alas, this doesn't really work in a traffic jam and appalling rain on the M40.
ReplyDeleteBrit's number 10 sums up the plight of even their most loyal admirers, although methinks his number 9 says more about the English. The instant friendliness and intimacy can be..umm..challenging. In Canada, if you are in a auto accident, you can hope someone will call the police for you and steer you to a good hotel. In the States, they are likely to arrange the towing (they know exactly who has the best rates) and insist you come home and spend the night with them ("Plenty of room, right Honey?"). They will then ply you with food and drink long into the night. You go to bed overwhelmed by their hospitality, but awake the next morning with a sore head and a vague memory of having agreed to share a condo in Florida the following winter.
ReplyDeleteBryan, "Musn't grumble" conjures up postwar images of hefty, dowdy ladies in moth-eaten, oversized greatcoats clutching ration books in long queues. May I suggest a modern alternative from Canada? "Same sh-t, different day."
and what is that business with ''doggy bags''? Like, you didn't want the thing when it was fresh but you want to try eating it a day old?
ReplyDeleteI've got no problem with the friendliness, Peter. It's that spiel..you know the one:
ReplyDelete"Hi, I'm Bob. I sell recreational motor vehicles, SUVs, Seven-point-four-three-sevens, associated accessories, tyres, propane and propane accessories, I earn 58k plus commission per annum...and this is my wife Linda."
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteian russell wrote: and what is that business with ''doggy bags''? Like, you didn't want the thing when it was fresh but you want to try eating it a day old?
ReplyDeleteThat's a little unfair. We have the traditional poacher's pocket, still in evidence in many coats and a better term than "doggy bag". But, being British, we're too diffident to mention it, let alone use it. I've often wondered whether the small inside pocket on the lower left on posh suits isn't a kind of folk-memory of something more capacious.
Brit:
ReplyDeleteYou forgt that the spiel ends with: "Nice little country you've got here."
On the other hand, there are some unique American talents..
ReplyDelete1) They can always estimate how much something weighs: "It was about 730 pounds..."
2) They have an ability to reel off screeds of technical jargon without embarrassment or irony.
3) They're utterly comfortable with being interviewed by TV news reporters.
4) They can analyse their amateur sporting efforts and kickabout games with deadly seriousness and unstinting thoroughness.
5) They always know precisely what they want in their sandwich.
Jeez Louise. I think you've now successfully turned me off this blog for awhile, Bryan. Was it your wish (I know it was Elberry's)?
ReplyDeletebye-bye
And Susan B they can't take criticism or see themselves as others see them.
ReplyDeleteTake it as a compliment, Susan.
ReplyDeleteFar better to have the piss taken than to not be worth having the piss taken.
You took the words out of my mouth, Brit. Insult us back, it's what friends do.
ReplyDeleteWe are arranging to have your I-Visa revoked, Bryan. And your name added to the 750,000 others on the "Do Not Fly" list. No need to thank us. Our pleasure.
ReplyDeleteWith that in mind, I suggest: 11) Spiteful.
Johnny: I sympathize with your plight. In the '90's Both Nike and Intel had dozens of their employees detained at Portland International by one particularly over-zealous immigration officer and returned to Singapore and Tokyo on the next flight for the same reason as you were. Despite protests from Nike, Intel, Delta Airlines, the mayor, the governor, and a host of friendly officeholders, it never stopped. International arrivals in Portland did, though, as word got around and everyone booked flights to Seattle or San Francisco instead. Delta's hub collapsed and with it most of their routes to Asia. The immigration officer is still there, I hear. If it makes you feel any better, he wasn't any nicer to Americans. I had a run-in with him once.
ReplyDelete2) They have an ability to reel off screeds of technical jargon without embarrassment or irony.
ReplyDeleteHuh? Non comprende.
Insult us back, it's what friends do.
ReplyDeleteHang in there, Susan. Help is on the way. You can always count on us Canadians in a pinch.
Brit:
Contrasted with the English, who:
a)think "the cream-coloured cottage o'er the dale along the old Roman cart track than almost joins the road just past Piglet Corners" is a statement of precise scientific measurement;
b)can't change a lightbulb, but are happy to tell you it doesn't matter--they are masters of irony;
c)are too modest for TV, but define a good time as spending a day penning "shocked and appalled" letters to The Times.
d) care little for the ins and outs of amateur sport, but revel in long evenings discussing what exactly to do about binge drinking;
e) don't much care what is in their sandwiches, as long as it isn't what the American ordered.
1)How can so many of you be stupid enough to vote for Hillary? There you are trying to spread democracy around the world while - Bush-Clinton-Bush-Clinton- back home you resort to dynastic rule.
ReplyDeleteAre Gordon Brown and David Cameron really the best you can do these days? Pity.
2)How come you're all so fat?
Too much disposable income, I imagine. As I'm not, I don't take this personally and it is a valid point. Why do Brits have such terrible teeth?
3)Don't get me started on baseball. Over here it's called rounders and played by very young schoolgirls.
True, it's a pastoral pursuit. Not many American live out their homoerotic fantasies playing rugby.
4)Are you ever going to build a decent car?
Once upon a time, we did. Not too likely to happen again any time soon, but Hell will freeze over before anything reliable comes from a British-owned company again, if it ever did.
5)Shepherd, Mitt and Dakota are not viable first names.
No, they aren't. What of Declan, Ewan and Kieran?
6)It is not necessary always to lie and say 'Great' when asked 'How are you doing?' A much better answer is the traditional English 'Mustn't grumble.'
"Have a nice day!"
7)Budweiser is the vilest drink ever created by man and is not beer.
Vilest? Not by a long shot. Trust me. Not in the same league as yours? Decidedly.
8)Nobody anywhere at any time looks good in a baseball cap.
You're just jealous because you don't.
That's the spirit, Randy.
ReplyDeleteSadly for Peter, Canadians fall into the "not worth taking the piss" category.
They define it, in fact.
Sez you. The Belgians and Norwegians find us fascinating.
ReplyDeleteRandy, those names you mention in #5 are Celt not English.
ReplyDeleteI realize that, Vince, but I did pick them off a list of popular boy's names in England.
ReplyDeleteTalking of silly first names, Randy always makes the englist laugh because it means lustful if it's describing a man and a coarse virago if it's a woman.
ReplyDeleteI have a friend whose american grandchild is called Nemo and the latest one is called Shanti - presumably sea shanti to continue the nautical theme.
And I know from bitter experience that the american irritation at being taken the piss out of soon turns to viciousness if you hit too many bullseyes.
I'm well aware of that, Philip. When I lived in Hong Kong 30+ years ago, one Australian diplomat I knew took great delight in asking, "Are you randy Randy," at every opportunity (at least three times a week for 50 long weeks). He thought it was very funny. And so it was, the first time. It wasn't so funny the 10th or the 100th time but I never said anything - it wasn't all that important to me and he seemed to delight in saying it. Since then, however, I tend to use the more formal Randal when in certain countries.
ReplyDeleteAs for your last paragraph, I wasn't aware that this was yet another example of American exceptionalism. It seems to me that citizens of almost every nation on earth act similarly.
Here's another for the Americans and Canadians: how the hell did "entree" ever get converted into meaning the main course?
ReplyDeleteBut Randal, people from other nations might get upset if we criticise them, but no other nation claims such moral supremacy over the rest of the world (except perhaps the Scots, but that's done with tongue firmly in cheek). It's the self-righteousness that sticks in the throat, especially when you can see the yawning gulf between the truth and the fantasy that nearly all americans seem to be in the grip of. It would be bad enough if they kept it at home, but to impose it by force on the rest of the world (as 'democracy' and 'free trade') can only provoke hostility and hatred. Mockery is a mild response which you should be grateful for.
ReplyDeleteBut Randal, people from other nations might get upset if we criticise them, but no other nation claims such moral supremacy over the rest of the world (except perhaps the Scots, but that's done with tongue firmly in cheek). It's the self-righteousness that sticks in the throat, especially when you can see the yawning gulf between the truth and the fantasy that nearly all americans seem to be in the grip of. It would be bad enough if they kept it at home, but to impose it by force on the rest of the world (as 'democracy' and 'free trade') can only provoke hostility and hatred. Mockery is a mild response which you should be grateful for.
ReplyDeleteSteve:
ReplyDeletePerhaps it dates back to before the 1960's when homecooked food over here often meant either gawdawful frozen processed stuff or cold leftovers of overcooked roasts with overboiled vegetables, and salt was the ultimate in exotic spices. As an old friend once put it: "Dessert was the prize you got for getting through the main course."
philip:
Having been blessed by the acquaintance of a very large number of Americans, Brits and Europeans in my time, I can assure you that when it comes to insufferable senses of moral superiority, the Americans are pikers who run a poor third. We even beat them at that.
As an barbaric, stupid, alcoholic, potato-eating Irishman, I think I might stay out of this one. It may seem like fun but so did pulling the legs off spiders when I was a kid.
ReplyDeleteYes, Neil, it is great fun and to be encouraged among loyal friends and admirerers. Both Bryan and Brit have often established their credentials there. However, I agree the fun stops when the nasties and the humourless join in.
ReplyDeleteBut I rather admire the Irish and I certainly respect you, so could you give us five thousand words on how the Irish penchant for pulling the legs off spiders is the fault of the English?
If I had the time, Peter, I could probably give you five thousand words on why writing five thousand words blaming the English for anything is a waste of time. Does that make sense? I hope not. Sorry, have to go: I have work to do righting wrongs.
ReplyDeleteStrangely, i'd never met an American till Tuesday. She turns out to be a pretty, spirited, and pleasant person. But she lives in Prague and tells me she can't stand America.
ReplyDeleteThey have some amazing art, e.g. Bob Dylan, Cormac McCarthy, those 70s movies by Coppola et al.
They do often seem oddly unable to take a joke. Maybe their arrogance is amplified by the internet in some way, much as i become insanely, worryingly blood-thirsty when playing computer games. i've found American women on-line are intrusively patronising (it wouldn't be so bad if they weren't always wrong in their crass judgements) and conceited, and tend to become excessively insulted and wounded if you let them know it. But as i say the internet distorts our everyday personalities, so who knows what these people are really like?
But by God they are all fucking fat bastards, aren't they?
Philip, While I'm happy for you that you find such great comfort in believing that almost 300,000,000 individuals believe the same thing and act the same way, the policy of the last five years of the Bush Administration with regard to Iraq is not representative of the foreign policy of the United States over the course of the past 200+ years. If it were, then it seems to me that people such as yourself, who obviously despise the USA and its citizens, and maintained for decades prior to the advent of 21st century that American foreign policy preferred dictators to democrats were either persistently obtuse or malevolently ignorant.
ReplyDeleteAs for "free trade," (the definition varies and I have no doubt yours is unique), I can't recall any gunboats or soldiers with bayonets fixed from any nation forcing open any ports in well over a century.
You write of a "yawning gulf between the truth and the fantasy that nearly all americans seem to be in the grip of." Yet another case of American exceptionalism? It seems to me that your comments here demonstrate all that and more, including an appalling ignorance of your own nation's history, foreign policy, and role in the world.
Your comments are mildly amusing, particularly given your line about American "self-righteouseness." Look in a mirror, Philip. Look in a mirror. Ignorant twaddle can be entertaining but most of the time its unoriginal, boring and indicative of an exceedingly narrow mind.
Neil: I had planned to write 5000 words on that same subject myself, as well as a passionate defense of potatoes and alcohol, but the outsourcing center in Hyderabad is swamped, what with the tremendous backlog of paeans to Obama and elegies for Hillary Clinton.
ReplyDeleteAs it is, I'm late for my next appointment to make the world safe for democracy. Perhaps another day?
Poor old Randall! Rattled are we?
ReplyDeleteDoes your ad hominem attack not make my point better than I could ever have made it?
As I was saying, if you score too many critical bullseyes they turn nasty, very nasty indeed.
Simon Heffer in the D. Telegraph today (yesterday in Telegraph on line) gets near the mark. America is a nation under siege - and in my view it only has itself to blame and it's not clear how or if they can sort it out.
A nation founded on wrongheaded principles (pace Tom Payne and J-J Rousseau) could only end up like this.
And elberry, their fatness is a symptom of their decadence not a cause of it.
No Philip, I'm not rattled by you in the least. Obviously, you don't appreciate my humor. I'm not surprised, but that strikes me as your problem, not mine. Fortunately, I'm not responsible for your happiness.
ReplyDeleteIt occurs to me that if not for America post WW2 Europe might well have been part of the USSR. It was in some people's interests to make the Reds out as scarier and hairier than they actually were (as with Islam today) but Joe Stalin and his successors were pretty scary & hairy in the first place. Personally i'd rather have a McDonald's on every corner than live in 50s Russia.
ReplyDelete