Wednesday, August 15, 2007

How Not to Die

Of course, it's very important not to die and the Health and Safety Executive has been doing cutting edge work on the front line of not dying research. Notably, there was the revolutionary The Role of Towels as a Control to Reduce Slip Potential which broke the taboo against discussion of the use of towels on damp bathroom floors. Sadly, the investigation came to no very firm conclusions. Of course, the HSE has earned the derision of the uninformed, not least for the report - said to be no more than a rumour - that it wanted children to wear safety goggles while playing conkers and even that trees should be cut down to prevent children climbing them. Eager to limit the damage to its reputation caused by such stories, on the Today show this morning - again I may have dreamed this - an HSE man said they were sponsoring a conker competition. As I said, these guys are cutting edge. Meanwhile, not dying is helped enormously by not having a pot belly of any size whatsoever and by walking  a very small amount very occasionally. Of course, we all know that not buying Mattel toys is an excellent way of not dying, though only the not dying enthusiast is likely to be aware of the need to avoid Guatemala during an election campaign. Remember not dying is a full time job. Mind how you go and, hey, let's be careful out there.


  1. you forgot to warn about the reading of blog articles listing previously unthought of fatal actions, this activity being now known to be likely to cause stroke inducing increases in blood pressure and therefore best avoided along the perilous route to longevity Bryan.

    This is what is meant by the popular expression about a little knowledge being a heath and safety violation of regulation 465 paragraph 62, subparagraph 3, section A, subsection iiv

  2. what's wrong with dying all of a sudden? None of this health jazz would have gone down well at the Battle of Maldon. A good death is more important than a good life.

  3. I caught a bit of the BBC 10 O'Clock news last night, where they ran a report on the danger of pot bellies. At the point where it came to the concept of the waist-to-hip ratio, the kind man standing in front of a computer graphic explained that to obtain this, you need to divide the first number by the second number.

    Like I say, John Craven's Newsround was truly a trailblazer.

    And on the subject of not dying, I notice that those who risk death from the perilous activity of Tombstoning, also run the far greater risk of a £50 fine.

  4. Dying is okay, it's the timing that's important. No, not dreaming, it was on Today this morning.

    I thought you were going to mentioning gardening for seniors on traffic islands. they have human rights too, you know.

  5. Is this the same HSE that is attempting to ban the following song lyrics:

    I've Got a lovely bunch of coconuts
    There they are all standing in a row
    Big ones, small ones, some as big as your head
    Give them a twist a flick of the wrist
    That's what the showman said'

    As you can see the offending references are to 'coconuts as big as your head' and 'give them a twist a flick of the wrist'. A senior HSE spokesman said " the lyrics were a clear encouragement to children to risk personal injury to the wrist joint when propelling a very hard object at what could, in any event, be construed by an impressionable child as a friend's head." He added that the HSE is also seriously considering the implications of the footballing expression 'On me head, son'

  6. Do the HSE have any tips for avoiding growing old? And life without a pot belly would be too dull for words.

  7. to quote Pulp Fiction: "pot bellies are sexy"

  8. To quote someone else, Never trust a man over 40 with a flat stomach. I can vouch for that one...

  9. surely you meant to say;

    Never eat at the restaurant of a skinny chef.

  10. ...towels on damp bathroom floors...

    Of course they need to be discussed but so do fuschias.