skip to main |
skip to sidebar
Thoughts Experiments' new tabloid health section, How Not to Die, today brings you important news from the not dying frontline. Those of you who took the advice about light exercise are in imminent danger of dying! The truth is, as super-buff hardbodies like me 'n' Nige have always known, is that you must exercise furiously and to the exclusion of all other activities if you are not to die. Meanwhile, Raj Patel comes up with some important thoughts about obesity... important but incomprehensible. Having read this article three times, I still don't know what he is saying. But I'm sure it's very disturbing. Finally, news from Germany. 'Vee haff brokken ze speet off licht,' say Drs Nimtz and Stahlhofen. For any readers who don't speak German, this translates, very roughly, as 'We have broken the speed of light.' The not dying implications are obvious... though probably only to the our resident physicist Gordon McCabe. And, while I am on the subject, what happened to tachyons? These particles are supposed to be predicted by Einstein's relativity and can travel much faster than the speed of light. They can also attain infinite speed in finite time and can, therefore, pass through every point in the universe simultaneously. Now they only appear in Star Trek episodes. Yet tachyons, I am convinced, hold the key to not dying.Breaking News! Blood pressure can make you die! A worldwide blood pressure plague could set back the whole not dying project. Act now to get rid of pressure in the blood. In tomorrow's How Not to Die: Celebrity beauty editor Nadine Baggott reveals her not dying secrets.
A blog about, among other things, imaginary ideas - What ifs? and Imagine thats. What if photographs looked nothing like what we see with our eyes? Imagine that the Berlin Wall had never come down. What if we were the punchline of an interminable joke? All contributions welcome.
A 70 year old friend of mine on reading a piece in a newspaper about some new cancer cure a couple of years ago said. "I'm beginning to wonder what I shall be allowed to die from." In actual fact if you take all the various cures for this and cures for that it's likely that in the future no one will die.
ReplyDeletebased on an assumption that what we most want is what we can't have, if we didn't die we would get articles on how to do just that.
ReplyDeletepoor old nadine baggott. doesn't she know that we've twigged her real secret to youthful appearance? plenty of Olay on the lens, mr. cameraman...
I think they actually have to botox the cameraman as well.
ReplyDeletethis series is making me think of Bruce Willis (disturbing, I think).
ReplyDeleteanyway, it's poetsday remember, so don't dilly-dally with the daily photo caption post. how about one of you in a dirty white vest?
Speak for yourself Appleyard - I've never exercised furiously in my life (unless you count smoking and drinking), and certainly not going to start now. As any fule kno, the key to long life, a honed body and eternal good health is my secret system of oriental exercises. Details available on recipt of very large sums of money. No time wasters.
ReplyDeleteI have just walked, quite furiously - as is recommended, three miles after dropping off my car for MOT. The test centre owner, well upholstered and wearing bright red braces (trousers, not teeth), after asking if I had a lift back home looked very surprised when I said I preferred the walk. I am convinced that when I return, following a further three mile walk, he will give me that same look of bemusement. Does he know something I don't? Does the wearing of bright red braces have any relevance to good health?
ReplyDeleteonly that for fat blokes, braces are easier to find when undressing.
ReplyDeleteI'll probably die of chronic distraction or that other known killer ennui. As long as I die. That's the main thing. I'm not fussy really, now that I think about it.
ReplyDeleteI like the sound of wine therapy, which is offered by a clinic in the Ukraine, and of the Bunny Chow, a substantial snack mentioned by Raj Patel.
ReplyDeleteThe press today reports that a Nobel Laureate was mistaken for a bag lady and nearly chucked out of a hotel. This health stuff is all to do with an identity crisis. Everyone seems to think everyone else should look a certain way, and when someone fails to match up to some kind of Greek god fantasy, there's trouble. And how are we all meant to look? Nobody knows. After a spot of wine therapy, I feel sure these problems will no longer bother us.