Election Date Revealed

After weeks of speculation, I can at least reveal that Gordon Brown is to call the election yesterday. This generous move saves all the political parties millions in campaign expenses and, at a stroke, solves the Cameron problem. Retrospectively, all can now agree on the darkened room, the revolver and the bottle of whisky - as long, says the party treasurer, as he doesn't drink the whisky. The result was, of course, a Labour landslide with a 99.9% turnout. In a moving victory speech, Brown will have said he would govern for all the people except Tony Blair whose heavily-guarded Connaught Square home was be compulsorily purchased and demolished to make way for an enormous concrete statue of Gordon Brown, leader for life.